I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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