I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
