This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...