I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
