We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress