she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
