Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
