What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
