sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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