she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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