After last night, I could never be a politician.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
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