I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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