then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
