shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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