On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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