Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
