I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
