She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize