Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
