While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
