I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
