If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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