Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
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Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
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we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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