You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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