She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Be still, my beating vagina.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The ass gains better be worth it
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