turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
