I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
