I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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