I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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