i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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