Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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