His pubic hair was longer than his dick
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
