i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
