I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
