The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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