I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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