We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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