you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
His nipple licking is glorious
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