I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
