I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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