So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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