he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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