Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
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The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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