don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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