after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
