I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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