i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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