This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
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I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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