When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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