My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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