you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
