Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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