My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you didnt know i had herpes?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
