So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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