Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
