You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
