No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
