you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
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The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
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Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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